Stupid, Awful, Grief...

I probably should have noticed the signs. I've experienced this feeling a few times in my life. When my parents divorced, in my early adult years after the separation of myself from everything I had known up to that point, when Max was diagnosed and given very little hope to survive, when mom was diagnosed with cancer.

This feeling of intense - inexplainable worry, stress, concern, apprehension, uneasiness, fearfulness, perturbation, agitation, angst, nervousness, extreme tension.......................anxiety.

It started peeking out over the weekend.  Steve has been traveling a lot in the past few months.  This Sunday I could hardly stand the thought of him leaving again, but there is just nothing that can be done about it.  He has to work, and right now his work means he's traveling.  I was wound so tightly when I went down to bed I felt like I would need run for hours to keep from screaming for hours. Instead, I sat and cried and the tightness in my chest finally released.  

Every little thing has seemed to catch me in a sense of impossible stress this week.  Things that never throw me off, or rattle me have me in a heap of helplessness.  Monday I was at the grocery store picking up the things needed for Max's food the next morning.  A simple enough task that I couldn't quite focus on.  I kept looking at my list and zig-zagging through the store looking for whatever was next on my list when I rounded the corner on a pile of persimmons.  

That's when my shoulders dropped and the tears came too quickly in my eyes and rolled down my face to stop them.  Last year Mom had asked me if I had ever had a persimmon.  I told her I had and didn't like them.  She told me she never had, and would have to try one..."put that on my bucket list." she had said and laughed.  I told her we would get her some and send them to her.  Shortly after that Steve and I were in the store looking for them but they were gone, and I got choked up thinking, "what if she doesn't make it to next year."  So, naturally when I saw them this year and she in fact isn't here....just so much emotion in the produce section. 

Max is certainly picking up on the undercurrent of anxiety because I can not remember him being so difficult in such a long time.  And there are moments I'm not a super mom.  There are moments I feel like I'm pleading with him to please stop kicking, screaming, throwing a fit because I don't know if I can cope with it.  And he stops, and looks at me and laughs his big belly laugh.  And again, my tears come fast and hot.  

My every day lately  feels like something has got to give, and nothing can give,  or it will all fall apart all at once.  Tonight once I got Max in his bed, and sat in there with him as he dozed off I felt my breath slowing for the first time all week.  I thought about how it's exactly the type of day that would usually end in a phone call to Mom for her to tell me I was doing a good job.  She was always great about that...reminding me I wasn't doing terribly, and I would get through this just like every other hard thing in life. That's when it hit me like stone between the eyes..."you're dealing with anxiety...is anxiety a step of grief?"  

I got out of his bed once he was asleep and looked it up online, and of course it is.  Of course.  Each new stage of grief is like a tsunami.  It takes me a week or so to realize what is happening.  And I can look back now and see how this has been building up for a couple weeks.  We've been talking about the holidays coming up, and how different they will be without her. I'm sure that was starting to build up in me. Now that I recognize it is happening, I can navigate myself through it with the tools I have at my disposal to get through it in a healthy manner.  Because it is just a terrible, awful, no good feeling.  I'm not surprised again it took thinking of her in a quiet moment to realize what is going on, and remembering her comfort that it will all be okay.  

The dream...

Since being home from my trip to England, I've been working through some feelings about Mom's passing and how it's really real now.  She passed, and then life was about getting by day to day and planning her memorial.  Then it was about training and planning for my trip to London.  Once I got home, it was like my body said...enough...time to rest.  I got the flu and could not do more than walk from my bed to the bathroom for 3 day straight.  In that time I wrestled with some emotions and feelings I've had featuring the guilt step of grief.  Everything in my mind tells me, there is nothing to feel guilty about.  We did absolutely everything we could have done for her with what we had.  Everything we had to give towards her comfort and care, we gave it.  

But, I'd be making dinner and the thought would pop into my head, I should have made her more of her favorites.  I shouldn't have felt annoyed when she asked for something different to eat from what I'd made.  I should have tried to get her out more.  I should have had her come downstairs to be with Max. I should have been upstairs with her more. I should have tried to get her to a baseball game like she wanted.  I should have gotten her here earlier so we had more time together.  I should have been there when she passed.  I could have been there when she passed.  I didn't want to be there when she passed.  She didn't want me to be there when she passed, because I didn't want to be there.  Should have. Could have. Would have.  So many feelings and wishes of how I could have done things differently. And all useless.  Because she's gone. 

I think guilt might be the worst bit of grief.  It's this part that we punish ourselves because we can not control the incredible pain we are feeling about losing someone we love.  I've been talking it through and I know in my head it's not true, any of these things I'm telling myself, and the mind plays tricks on us and I could only hope it would soon pass and I would head into another level of grief...or at least not be stuck in the guilt level non-stop.  I've been trying to find a way out, and have really wished it would pass soon.  It's an awful loop to be in. 

This morning it all changed when I woke up  in a bit of a shock.  I had to lay there for a few minutes and try to organize my thoughts.  I had woken from a remarkable dream.  It was the first time since Mom passed away I had a dream about her that didn't wake me in tears, or in a terror. And the first dream where she talked to me. 

In our family, I'm one of the lucky ones who is visited by women in our family who have gone before us.  When Mom was starting to decline, I was visited by both Grandmama and Granny.  In those dreams I asked both of them not to come back, I wasn't ready for her to go.  And neither have come back since.  The dreams I've had of Mom since she's passed have been not comforting at all, and I would actually say were a lot of subconscious angst and grief what I wasn't able to deal with while awake.  I've woken in the middle of the night my pillow soaked in tears.  I've woken scared that she was dying all over again.  I've woken after reliving in my mind the worst parts of the last days with her that I don't care to recall.  The dream I had early this morning was completely different. 

It was Christmas and I was sitting with Mom and she was not sick.  She had brown hair and was just like she always was...just Mom.  We were visiting and talking about family.  She asked what Uncle Danny was doing and I told her they were all opening presents.  I turned around to look at Charlie opening a present and he was smiling because he had gotten this huge ...just unreasonably huge geode rock and he loved it. The guy cousins were playing with a bunch of dogs outside around a fire pit and the kids were out there playing too.   Uncle Daryl was roasting wieners over the firepit.   The girl cousins were sitting by the fireplace and handing out presents to some of the younger kids and just generally chatting.  Aunt Debbie and Nanaw were at the stove dishing up food and there was just holiday happiness in the air.  

Angie, Brenna and I were sitting by Mom and visiting.  And the only person I never saw in the dream was Grandfather, but he was there. 

I was looking around the room and when I turned back to Mom, she was sick, and it was the end.  She touched my cheek and said,  "you took such good good good care of me.  I don't want you to feel guilty for enjoying your holidays.  I want you to still love the holidays."    

I hugged her and the tumor under her arm, that had become the thing she hated most about her cancer was gone.  She was warm and it was such a nice, strong hug.  She asked me to get her something from the other room, so I got up to get it for her.  When I got back she was gone.

It was the first dream I have had that she wasn't sick.  And the first one where she's talked to me. 

I wasn't asleep much longer.  Max's nurse started making his food and the sound of the blender woke me up.  I know so much of dreams are our subconscious working through things while we sleep...but there is a deeper part of me that knows she came to tell me it's okay.  She's okay.  And I will be okay. 

Wrapping up in London...

The day after the walk started late because #1, we had walked about 20 miles the day before all said and done.  Whew!  That's a lot!

We got up to have a lunch together before we met back up with the girls and Sam so they could all head back to their home in Sheffield.  I was happy to see the girls again, and to visit with them a bit before saying goodbye.

Then I walked to see where I ended up.  And found the best bear next to the station named for him.  I didn't have any marmalade with me so I just had to say hello.

 I walked past the Hyde Park Mews and wondered to myself, I wonder if they're working mews.

 Then turned the corner and answered my own question...I had to watch where I walked for a bit!

I ended up in Hyde Park and saw some children finishing their riding lessons.

 I walked into the park and took in some of the great trees like this one.  I've never seen a tree like this at home.  It was the largest weeping tree I had ever seen.  And I love weeping trees!

I turned the corner and stopped right here because I didn't know what I had stumbled into.  "Oh no...a riot of some sort."  I stood and tried to figure it out and realized I wasn't in a riot at all...it was Sunday and I was at Speaker's Corner....awesome!!  It was difficult to hear any one argument, so I just watched the chaos of people giving speeches without brawls and riots breaking out.  

I walked a bit through the park and then found a tube station because I was tired of walking already, and wanted to find some dinner before heading back to the hotel for an early night.  As I was walking down the stairs to the underground I felt a sharp pain run up my right leg from the center of my foot. I grasped the handle bar and stood on the stairs until I could steady myself.  I got to the bottom of the steps and found a bench to sit on.  What had just happened?!  The train came so I got onto a car that had seats open and sat on the way to King's Cross and St. Pancras stations.  

 Once there I walked really slowly around checking out the shops, and remembered where I was...Platform 9 3/4!  I knew I had to stop here and get trinkets for all my Harry Potter fans, including Max's teacher!

And while there was a line for people to put on their house colors and pose in front of the cart, I didn't have the energy for that.  So while the superfans were changing out their scarves from Slytherin to Gryffindor, I jumped up to take a quick picture.  (Also I think it's pretty great that neither of those names show up in spellcheck...Harry Potter has taken over spellcheck!)

I took this picture for my friend Kris.  The last time I was here, we were getting off the train from Paris!

I took this photo for Steve.   This is the outside of St. Pancras station, and up in that clock tower is someone's home.  When it was renovated it was turned into someone's actual flat.  Can you even imagine living there!?  We can't...but we like to. 

This was also the end of my photos for the evening.  My phone was being just terrible with giving me directions from here to the restaurant I was looking for.  My foot was throbbing in pain and I just wanted to sit down.  So, I got in a black cab and went to the restaurant Steve had made reservations for me.  It was a Jamie Oliver restaurant, and since I had been to a few of those I felt like I would like it.  However, when I got there I realized this must be his nicest restaurant because I was certainly not dressed nice enough for a seat.  I didn't even go in.  I found the nearest tube station and headed back to the hotel and got something to eat right beside it.  Once I got in the hotel and propped my foot up I thought, if this isn't feeling better by the morning, I'm going to have to go to a hospital to have it checked out.  

By morning it was still aching, but I could walk on it.  I could bend all my toes.  It was not swollen or tender to touch...it just hurt when I walked, so I chalked it up to doing a half marathon. I put on some good shoes and headed to one of my favorite shopping areas, Covent Garden.  It's an outdoor market area with lovely little shops.  Also, it is a pedestrian area.  I was feeling really overwhelmed from making all the decisions, and finding my way to every destination by myself at this point and wanted to be able to just stop in the middle of the road if I got lost.  Covent Garden offered that to me. 

I walked ever so gingerly over the cobble stoned streets, and more than once thought....ooph, I'm going to need to go back to the hotel, this is not good.  But, I was able to rest in between shopping and having lunch and ended up making it through.  

One of the markets in Covent Garden

A fun exhibit of Shaun the Sheep. Aren't they cute?

All kinds of fun things in the market.  I actually found some great things, but there were some signs up to not take photos of the booths, so I just kept the camera in my pocket.   I ate at a Jamie Oliver restaurant and found a great tip...they had free wifi and free use of the toilets.  Both had a code and sense I was in the area the whole day for shopping I was able to use them both all day.  Score!  I never know where to use the bathroom when I'm there, so usually stop in restaurants and museums. So the takeaway, if in Covent Garden, eat at Union Jacks.

 After my fun day of shopping,  I stopped to figure out where I would have dinner.  I was in England, so I needed a national dish....which is not fish n chips!  Time for a curry!

I stopped at a new place, called Dishoom, that has been getting great reviews.  Once I found it, I got my name on the list and ended up the front of the line that ended up down the block within ten minutes.  It was totally by luck that I ended up in the front of that line.  It was a bit chilly so they were handing out peppermint tea to those waiting.

I got seated at my table of one fairly quickly and ordered my best meal of the trip!

Spicy okra fries. 

More peppermint tea...so tasty.

Incredible biryani...it was so good! After getting full on delicious food, I was ready to get back to the hotel  to pack and get one more semi-sleep (jet-lag was rough this trip!) before I left in the morning.

I bought an extra bag to bring my goodies home in.  This is just my dirty clothes, I was able to check it and just carry my souvenirs on my carry-on and it was a lot lighter...which was good because my foot was still so aching.  

My time at the airport, and flight back the next day was really uneventful.  I did a little bit more duty free shopping, and ate before taking off.  I was able to watch a lot of movies and rest a bit on the flight.  The lady behind me was hacking, coughing and moaning all the way home.  I wrapped my scarf around my face and hoped and prayed I wouldn't catch whatever terrible disease she was spreading all around the cabin.  

Of course no such luck....because the next morning I woke up feeling poorly and only got to feeling worse, ending up with a trip to the doctor and a confirmed flu diagnosis.  In my forced bedrest I was able to rest my foot for nearly a week.  But, since feeling better, I've been up and walking around and have noticed there's definitely still something going on with my foot.  Steve has been traveling nearly non-stop since I got home, so I haven't had a chance to get to the doctor.  This weekend I may go to an urgent care to get imaging done just to know what's going on. 

All in all, it was a great trip.  One I felt so grateful to get to go on.  I realized some things about travel by myself.  There were some things I really liked, and some things I really did not like.  I also decided the next trip I go on will be to a beach, where there will be no excessive walking!  

Thanks all for following along, and cheering me from all corners of the earth.  

Shine Walk...

When Mom was first diagnosed with Triple Negative Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, one of the first websites I visited was Cancer Research UK.   When I googled triple negative breast cancer, it was one of the first pages that popped up. I sent the link to mom, and that started our constant research into finding a cure and support for her through her two and a half year journey.

Through every surgery, and treatment, we always found information on their website.  I liked that it gave the information I was looking for without telling me to contact my doctor to explain it all. Because I wasn't there to go to doctors appointments with Mom, and when I was awake and upset about my mom having cancer at 3:00am, I just wanted someone to answer my questions.

I followed the webpage through all of the changes in her cancer, and sat in her hospice room a day before she passed away with my computer open to their page on what to expect in the final days.

In July I had showed Mom their website that showed they were having a moonlight half and full marathon in London in September. She told me I should do it, but next year because she would still be here in September. She passed away on August 2nd, and shortly after, Steve encouraged me to go to London to do the walk in Mom's memory.

I set up a fundraiser page and raised £540.00 for Cancer Research UK.  I started training and my dear friend Rachel signed up to do the walk with me.  We had planned on having a nap before walking, but ended up not having time for that, so we did what any mom does and just sucked it up and went on with it tired.

 We got to the start and attached our race numbers and glow sticks to ourselves to "light up the night."

Here we are, excited to start!

Rachel is a speech therapist working with patients with head and neck cancers, so was walking for them along with friends who have been affected by cancer, including my mom.  Mom came over for a visit once with us to stay with Sam and Rachel.  She was there for her 50th birthday, and had such a great time.  It meant so much to me that Rachel came down for this walk with me.  

I made this sign for Mom.

But when I got there I realized she wasn't the only one I was walking in memory and honor of. Cancer has touched so many in our family, and my friends' lives too.  My Grandmama died of lung cancer.  My great-grandparents had different types of cancers, and great aunts and uncles too.  I was walking for all of them.  And I was walking for myself.  Because I don't want the curse of cancer in my family to touch our generation.  I want a cure so no one else dies from this terrible disease.  

We got to the starting line for our group and did some warming up.  

Here I am bright eyed and excited to get going!

And the start time...that's 8:35pm for the non-24 hour clock followers.

It was slow starting out of the park, but once we got going we were able to find our stride and got to the business of walking, sight seeing, and doing what we do best - catching up in person after a couple of years apart! 

We passed this pub early on...TAKE COURAGE. 

The walk had us going through parts of London I had never seen before, like the Tower Bridge and the Tower of London.

Tower Bridge

Rachel on Tower Bridge with the Tower in the background.

Me on Tower Bridge and my head perfectly covering Tower of London!

People have a love/hate relationship with this building, called The Shard.  I think it's neat.  And it was everywhere we turned all night long!

The Tower of London with the moon brightly shining above. 

Our first pitstop, St. Paul's Cathedral. 

Outisde #10 Downing Street...that poor guy inside had to actually work instead of posing for photos.

My first glimpse this trip.  It always makes me smile.  Always, always.

See?

So much of this...walking and walking and walking. 

 We walked along the river Thames for a good stretch.  It is difficult to see, but this is alongside the Battersea Power Station.  I posed for this picture.

Because of this picture.  My favorite of Jack Vettriano's paintings, also set in front of the power station.

A view of the London Eye all lit up.  

Mile 12....oh this was a tiring mile.  Probably the most difficult energy wise, and just feeling downright tired of walking.  I took this picture, and then saw this photo and had a hard time not crying...but I told myself no crying on the walk.  I only teared up a few times.  Rachel helped me by talking with me to not let me get too deep in thought. 

I will never forget.  

Shakespeare's globe

And so nearly there!  We were both so ready to be done walking by now!

At the end there was this sign. We had done it! 

And there we are.  Done and done! I did it!!!  I've never on purpose walked that long continuously!  We finished at 1:45am!

I got a medal to prove it!

Rachel and I stopped to get a warm drink and sit for a while to let it sink in what we had just done. Oh...and to eat chocolate.

I took my backpack off and saw Momma's smiling face looking at me.  And then...then I let myself cry.  I laid my head down and stretched, and cried.  I did it for her, and I missed her so much.  It is exactly the sort of thing I would tell her about first, because she would have been one of the most proud and would insist that I text her no matter the time day or night. 

Just look at us!  Happy friends, together for each other in all of life's experiences.  Proud of each other for overcoming our own set of challenges getting there.

Once we finished we got a taxi back to the hotel...because let's be real there was no way we were walking and the tube was closed.  As we were getting out of the car, we saw the marathoners not yet halfway done.  At the beginning of our walk, I said to Rachel, maybe I'll do the marathon next year.  Seeing the marathoners after our half marathon I changed my mind. The last of the marathon walkers finished at noon the next day.  

We got back to the hotel and took turns showering and getting ready in the mini-hotel and Rachel promptly fell asleep...but I was feeling jet-lag in earnest so I was up for a couple more hours.  So, I stayed awake a while talking to Steve on chat.  And also really thinking about what I had just done. And knowing just how cool Mom would have thought it was.  And it was so, so, so cool and I'm so happy I did it.