Denial...

“Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.”

Mark Twain

When Max was almost one year old, we had a physical therapy appointment that shook me to the core. Steve was living/working in California at the time, and I remember calling bawling my eyes out on the way home.

The therapist had the nerve to tell me that we needed to get Max a wheelchair. A WHEELCHAIR! At that time I guess I was still under the impression that we would just get him to sit up and then stand up and then walk. Why on earth would we need to get him a wheelchair? I didn't want some big clunky metal wheelchair to put my little baby in!

After I came off of my crying fit, I started to realize that I was in a sort of denial about Max's physical abilities. And that was maybe the hardest part of the whole situation. It was likely that Max would need a wheelchair...and if that was the probability...then maybe he would ALWAYS need a wheelchair. That was a hard thing to comprehend.

Max has had several wheelchairs since then. He's getting to the point where he's about outgrown the ones he has, and we'll need to get him another one. And a bigger Max means a bigger wheelchair. And a bigger wheelchair means a bigger car. And maybe, just maybe I won't be able to lift him into that car anymore. Maybe, just maybe I won't be able to lift him at all anymore.

Denial.

It's back. After several years of feeling like a rock-star when it came to being a special mom to a special kid, taking him across the pond and back, moving cross-country and back, traveling here and there, carrying him around at will...I'm finding I can't do those things anymore.

Today I took Max to the mall by myself to meet my sister. As I was putting him in his car seat I thought, #1 I hope I don't drop him!, #2 I hope I don't hurt myself! #3 How am I going to get him out once we get there and back in?!

I've been going along, seeing him grow, knowing he's getting bigger, but still thinking I can tote him around like the little peanut he once was. Denying that in truth, he is much too big for me to be lifting. Or carrying, or holding all day on his attached days.

We went to the doctor last week for an exam and to try to figure out why he's been waking so much in the night, having fitful nights of sleep. We're still working on that issue, but we did go away knowing that he weighs 45 pounds. And is 46 inches tall. I am 5'4" and 130 pounds. Next year will he be 5 feet? Weighing closer to 100 pounds?

I'm sure this issue of thinking life is one thing, and realizing one day it's all together different will always be the case with Max. But for now, we got a new tool to help ease into the transitions of reality.

Last month, I was looking on Craigslist for special needs equipment...you know just to pass the time. I found a Hoyer lift. These machines cost around $2,000 brand new. This one on Craigslist was $100. (Yes only two zeros) It had only been used two times before the previous user passed away. Our DME rep. told us we would need to wait a year before trying to get Max one because of all of the equipment we were needing to get this year, so we went ahead an bought this one we found.

Steve went to pick it up, and we ordered a sling to fit Max to lift him. Last week, we got the sling, and here are the results.

Here he is in his Chill-out Chair. He's not sleeping, the flash just made him close his eyes. I've got the sling under him at this point because I had used the lift previously to put him in the chair to eat, and just left it under him.


I moved the chair within the legs of the lift to get him right under the arms.


Got him all hooked in and ready for take-off.


Here's a short video of him going up...don't mind the Tarzan soundtrack in the background...we were rocking out!


And now he's up, out of his chair, and ready to be moved to the floor for a diaper change, to his bed, or to a bath!


This time, he was being put down for a diaper change after eating. Here's a video showing how slowly and gently and puts him down. And how comfortable he is with it.


It's helping. But I am still finding myself wanting to quickly move him, or carry him, or hold him like I think I can. But with every manual lift I remember, there are tools to help me care for him. I just have to move out of the way of myself and use them. They are just tools...to help in the care for Max. They are not Max. And if I can remember that, I think the denial won't creep up on me so much.

Surprise...

Have you guessed my surprise yet?



STINKY BABY NIECE!!!!!!!!!



She climbs the stairs...



And wants to know why Aunty is following her...



And walks up the stairs...and her mommy...my sister...who has, brought her family home and will be staying with us until they get settled into their own place!!!!



Let the good times roll!

The short and skinny...

I could make this a long dramatic post about what I've learned and yadda yadda yadda...but the short and skinny of it is...I took my CNA test yesterday and passed the written test, but failed one skill out of five on the skills test. It was a ridiculous mistake, one I absolutely should have caught, but my nerves got the best of me and I read the scale wrong. Instead of seeing the patient weighed 155, I saw 130. It was a split second decision, but once I wrote it down and said I was finished, there was no going back to correct it, and I caught it was wrong immediately!

I finished all 4 of the rest of my skills perfectly, but felt humiliated and embarrassed and totally like I had let myself down. I left the testing room in tears, and knew I had failed it. (You fail even one portion, you fail the whole thing). I had sat there from 7:30 yesterday morning, and was the very last person to test. I was spent, exhausted, and just completely over it. And as soon as she told me I just bawled and bawled. I'd worked so hard to get it right and messed up something so stupid.

I came home and cried more...and kicked myself a few more times. But I know it was just one of those moments in time that happen in life...and surely I'll learn from it...and go back and do it perfectly! I have to send in the fail results and re-test at the earliest date they have. In the mean time, my "trial period" is up with working as Max's CNA. I have to be certified by the state to continue on. So I will be taking a break from that until I'm fully certified. Luckily I only have to do the skills, not the written portion again.

Today, I'm up and doing all the things a mommy does...especially when that mommy has to do things a CNA would do. And that's frustrating to me. Knowing I know it...but I'll drop the CNA status for a while and just be mommy. I prefer that title any day.

I'll keep you all posted about when my next test will be!

Oh...and as for the surprise for today...the stinkiness is
on their way home...and will be staying with us for a while...



Now if that's not something to smile about...I don't know what is!

high time...

Well...I guess I took a little unintended break there! But that's doesn't mean I've had any sort of break around here! It's been a wild and crazy time!

I think I'll load you up with pictures again. I am studying a lot for my CNA test on Friday. I am feeling confident and completely tense about it! I really don't want to have to take it again! So I'm hoping to just ace it the first time around.

Abbey goes back to her mom's on Friday as well. And then...a special treat on Saturday. But you'll just have to wait and see what that is!

Here are the pictures until then...
We took a little trip to Scotland...oh I mean just up to Mt. Evans.


It was so foggy and cool up there!
Abbey was freezing...Max was LOVING it! He was the happiest he's been all summer!


Because of this...


49 degrees in the middle of the day, at the end of July!

It was gorgeous though...Summit Lake...


Now to the garden. You remember this little peanut of a thing? My yellow cherry tomatoes?


Here the beast is now...


The roma tomato plant is hidden to the side. It has a few red tomatoes on it...not quite ready to be picked...and a ton of green ones!


And my pretty sunflower! It should be opening all the way some day soon! It has grown like a weed...so much so that I thought they were weeds and pulled up about 20 of them before I knew what they were! I left this one to see what would come of it.


Speaking of growing like a weed...


Back to the garden. I have no idea what this is...


But it's flower is pretty...it has already closed back up into that pod...don't know if it will come back out or not!


And I also have no idea what this is...
It's wild and crazy though!


And it has these little white flowers that bloom, fall off, and leave this...


Is it a fruit or veggie??

I'll leave you with pictures of the boys playing...Max and Steve playing the new Wii Sports...wave-runner game. We told Max it was ocean motorcycles...and he was hooked!



Vroooom...


Wait a minute...Daddy is getting too into the game...


WHAT! I thought Max was playing!!!


HaHa! Realizing I am taking pictures of him "helping Max play"...


Ya'll come back now 'round Sunday and I'll have your special surprise up. In the mean time...say a little prayer for me that I pass my test with flying colors!

A few more...

First harvest! I picked these beauties today.


The one green one fell off while I was picking the others, I don't know if it will ripen or not. My Roma tomatoes are full with fruit, but all still green, so hoping they will start turning soon! There is nothing like a sun-warmed tomato straight off the plant and into your mouth!

Steve got this picture last week...my snow-white legs with Max's golden tan legs. The boy totally gets his skin tone from his daddy!


Abbey got her new phone last week, and spent the entire night changing numbers over and texting all of her fans of the change in number. I believe we are about to have a teen on our hands! She's really good with it though, she's learning etiquette, not talking or texting in company, or while at the dinner table. And she is keeping track of the minutes she uses to talk, and has unlimited texting, which is all she wants to do anyway! I couldn't have fathomed having my own phone at her age! What would I have done with it!!??



I'm still studying away for my CNA test. It's July 31st, and will last all day. I am so nervous about it. I really dislike tests. I feel like I've nearly hit that wall of too much information and I'm getting things mixed up! I need my sister to come and take the test for me! :) What I need to do is to just get it done so I don't feel the stress of doing it!

Picture catch-up

There are over 20 pages of new photos on our flickr page. You can reach them by clicking on any of these pictures below. Steve took the week off this week for us to all spend time together with Abbey before the summer is over. She has taken over the camera, and we've got a few shots in there too. Here are some of my favorite pictures from the week...

Max in WinterPark, CO


Steve, Abbey, and Max riding on the trail. We got Max's new bike trailer this week!


Our beautiful Washington Park, Denver.


My boy, who still loves to spin at the park.


And looking a whole lot like my dad in this picture...


(I can see it anyway...this was May a couple of years ago. I think we need an updated picture of Max and Pops.)


Back to this week...Abbey and Steve at The Cheeky Monk in WinterPark, CO


My food at the CheekyMonk...mmmmmmmm...


Max's foot on the table of the CheekyMonk...


Steve and Abbey riding to the top of the mountain for the alpine slide!


And hundreds more over on the flickr page! I think I've taken up plenty of room here, and I need to figure out dinner now!

Proof...

Proof that he is mine...sound asleep with his eyes open!



He fell asleep just as the rain started this evening, and slept through the shower. When it stopped, he woke up, and was so unhappy! He screamed and cried a lot of the night.

Until it was dinner time. When he sat up at the table with us and ate seasoned wild rice. He's been asking for whatever we're eating at every meal. So I didn't tell him he didn't want it tonight and just went for it. He ate 5 bites of the rice (a few grains at a time). Who knows what he'll ask for tomorrow! The other day he wanted ah-oh's with Daddy...that's a taco.

We're just still doing our summer thing. Pretty uneventful...we're hoping to get out and see more of Colorado next week when Steve's taking vacation. We're hoping to see some of the big sites we've not ever seen, and stay up in the mountains at least a night.

Here's one more picture for the evening...


Ugly little things aren't they? They haven't started making too much racket, but they've all but killed my pretty petunia plant. Oh well...I guess it would have died this winter anyway!