Dreams...

I was in the house I lived in when she died.  I was walking out of the kitchen, carrying the cake she so often made; chocolate layers with white frosting, covered in coconut.

I turned the corner, and I saw her sitting in a rocking chair.  She had a denim jumpsuit on, her silver hair curled and sprayed into her perfect "do".  Her eyes shown with purple frosty eyeshadow as she smiled and said, "Happy Birthday Deana Marie!".

I dropped the cake and gasped, "Grandmama!!"... I started towards her, to hug her, and noticed she was crocheting something.  I said, "Wait, just wait right there!".

I ran up the stairs to get Max.  I knew she would be so proud to see him.  To see how big he had gotten, but I stopped in the guest room to tell my mom and sister, she was there.  She's come back for a visit, for my birthday.  I grabbed Max, and my sister grabbed my niece who never got to meet her Great- Grandmama.

As we walked to the living-room, my mom said, " I asked her to come for a visit for your birthday.".  I was smiling and laughing, so excited to get to spend some time with her before she had to go again.  When I got to the living-room where she had been, she was gone.  With the perfect birthday cake in her place.

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I woke up so disappointed.  My first thought, I should have given her a hug.  Grandmama hasn't visited me in my dreams in such a long while.  I was excited to see her.  And this is only the second time she had something to say to me.  

Whether it's my subconscious, an angel, a ghost, or being crazy, I don't care.  Whatever it is, it still moves me deeply when she comes for a visit.  And splits open the part of my heart where I keep her, and makes me miss her so much more.