Inside myself...

Never is it more evident to me that I am truly an introvert, as when we're in the hospital.

The mornings start at around 6:00am with a team of surgery fellow, residents, and medical students waking you up.  Most of the time I have just drifted off to sleep when they wake me to give me an idea of a plan for the day.  Not the best moment to be making clear decisions or making sure my questions are answered.

At 7:00am, nurse shifts change.  The night nurse comes in with the day nurse to go over everything she had done the night before, and give her an idea of what is to come for her oncoming shift.

In that same timeframe, the floor Resident comes in to do his/her assessment on Max.  A bit after that, the Senior Resident comes in for their turn to listen to his lungs, belly and heart and get an idea of what they'll be working on for the day.

Morning medicines start coming in and he's hooked up to the never ending pumps and beeps.

I try to hurry to the restroom and wipe the sleep out of my eyes, brush my sleepy hair, and brush teeth...or at least chew on some gum...before the Attending doctors, and specialists start their rounds.

We usually stop around 1:00pm to eat.  The morning is spent seeing the nine different teams following Max.  Each team has at least 2 doctors who come in for a visit.  They come in and want to know what our understanding from all the other teams is...and then give their advice for how things should go.

Before we know it, it is time for shift change again, and 7:00pm.  We need to get something to eat for dinner, and then one of us goes home for the night with Abbey and the dogs.

The other stays on and doesn't sit down until nearly midnight because the start of their day is happening, as the end of our day is happening.  Max is tired, and we are tired, but still - we are the only constant in Max's team.  We're the only ones always here.  So, we get to fill in the empty spaces.

Once is gets quiet...and I use that term so very loosely...and the lights go down...again, not even dark in these rooms...I feel like just hiding in a closet so I don't have to talk to a single soul.

I hit my limit this afternoon of talking.  I couldn't bare it another minute, so I took a walk.

I think it must have been unseasonably cooler today.  I walked outside and the wind pricked my teary eyes.  It was a beautiful day.  One of those days that tells you change is coming.  I walked through the gardens at the hospital and ran my fingers through the tall prairie grasses.  I listened to the gravel crunch under my feet.  I stopped and watched a bunny chewing on a flower.  And I didn't want to go back inside.

But, there was one reason I couldn't sink into my quiet place.  That is Max.  He needs me to be out of my shell, and speak for him because he can't.

Hopefully we'll find some answers soon as to what is going on with him.  And when we finally do get home, I hope to not have to talk for a while!