One Day...

Before I continue on with my travel diary, I wanted to take a moment to explain some of my emotions about going on a trip like this.

Steve and I don't get to travel together, and Max is in such a place right now with seizures, and moodiness, that even a trip to the park is iffy on most days.  The last big trip out of the country I went on was 3 years ago, also to Paris and London.  Steve and I try to alternate trips to give each other a big break, but also not break the bank.  It's quite taxing on both of us for the other to go on a big journey. We have to rearrange schedules for Max and Abbey, and work.  Then there is a feeling of being excited for each other to go on an adventure, but also quite sad that we can't go together.  But, as that is where we are in life, we push on and go.

On my first visit to Paris,  I found it enchanting, if not a little confusing.  I wanted to go back this time to settle some of my questions and dig a little deeper into this city.  As one travel partner was already going to be there for a family wedding, and it was as good a time as any for me and my other friend to go, we started planning.

Initially, I wanted to make my next trip over a visit to England, Scotland, and Northern Ireland.  I have dear friends in each of those places, and wanted to spend time with them in their surroundings.  But, as money went, and schedules went, this time turned into a trip to Paris and London again.  But, next time, England, Scotland, and Northern Ireland are the places I will be.

Usually on a visit to another country, I have each day planned down to the hour.  I like to know what I'm doing, and where I'm going.  I also like to leave that schedule with Steve, so he knows where I am. This time was very different, in that we kind of just played it by ear most days.  Which was nice.  It allowed me to see areas of Paris I've not seen before, and made it a completely different trip than the one I did a few years ago.  

Then, there is London.

I have friends the world over, all of whom wish I would come to their countries for a visit.  I've visited a good number of places.  But there is an invisible magnetic draw that is constantly pulling me to this city, every chance I get.  It's not something I've acquired as an adult.  I remember being a young girl, and getting a post-card from my aunt when she visited London.  That same post-card is framed and on a shelf in my living-room today.  From that first glimpse, I told myself, "I will live there one day."

Many of you readers know that was nearly a reality, but Max told us otherwise, and there were other plans in the works for the upcoming years that we had no way of knowing about.  While I know why we've needed to be back here, mostly for Max to be with his doctors, but also for Abbey to come home to us, and to be here through a tumultuous year through mom's cancer; my heart, and Steve's is still pulled across the sea to London.

Going back there is always a mix of extreme excitement, but also a sweet melancholy, with a splash of deep grief thrown in.  I try hard not to dwell on the "might have beens", as we stroll through the neighborhoods we researched to live.  I push down the lump in my throat when I hear big Ben chime. I close my eyes and take in the murky, sweet smell and let the breeze kiss my face standing near the Thames.  I fall asleep to the sound of traffic, wishing on a cloudy sky that we could be there as a family.

While I don't know that I could ever put into words exactly what it means to be there, I reckon it's most like being home.  It's a place where my dreams were nearly complete, but just out of reach.  I think it's a rare thing to know where you belong.  To have found the one place in the world where every part of you feels calm.  The bustling city and serene parks of London are that place for me.  Luckily, I married someone who feels the same way...maybe more.

Because it's the kind of person I am, I know we will end up there one day.  That's the hope I have, and why I keep going back.  I say hello to my favorite spots, and learn the city that will one day be my home.  One day.