The dream...

Since being home from my trip to England, I've been working through some feelings about Mom's passing and how it's really real now.  She passed, and then life was about getting by day to day and planning her memorial.  Then it was about training and planning for my trip to London.  Once I got home, it was like my body said...enough...time to rest.  I got the flu and could not do more than walk from my bed to the bathroom for 3 day straight.  In that time I wrestled with some emotions and feelings I've had featuring the guilt step of grief.  Everything in my mind tells me, there is nothing to feel guilty about.  We did absolutely everything we could have done for her with what we had.  Everything we had to give towards her comfort and care, we gave it.  

But, I'd be making dinner and the thought would pop into my head, I should have made her more of her favorites.  I shouldn't have felt annoyed when she asked for something different to eat from what I'd made.  I should have tried to get her out more.  I should have had her come downstairs to be with Max. I should have been upstairs with her more. I should have tried to get her to a baseball game like she wanted.  I should have gotten her here earlier so we had more time together.  I should have been there when she passed.  I could have been there when she passed.  I didn't want to be there when she passed.  She didn't want me to be there when she passed, because I didn't want to be there.  Should have. Could have. Would have.  So many feelings and wishes of how I could have done things differently. And all useless.  Because she's gone. 

I think guilt might be the worst bit of grief.  It's this part that we punish ourselves because we can not control the incredible pain we are feeling about losing someone we love.  I've been talking it through and I know in my head it's not true, any of these things I'm telling myself, and the mind plays tricks on us and I could only hope it would soon pass and I would head into another level of grief...or at least not be stuck in the guilt level non-stop.  I've been trying to find a way out, and have really wished it would pass soon.  It's an awful loop to be in. 

This morning it all changed when I woke up  in a bit of a shock.  I had to lay there for a few minutes and try to organize my thoughts.  I had woken from a remarkable dream.  It was the first time since Mom passed away I had a dream about her that didn't wake me in tears, or in a terror. And the first dream where she talked to me. 

In our family, I'm one of the lucky ones who is visited by women in our family who have gone before us.  When Mom was starting to decline, I was visited by both Grandmama and Granny.  In those dreams I asked both of them not to come back, I wasn't ready for her to go.  And neither have come back since.  The dreams I've had of Mom since she's passed have been not comforting at all, and I would actually say were a lot of subconscious angst and grief what I wasn't able to deal with while awake.  I've woken in the middle of the night my pillow soaked in tears.  I've woken scared that she was dying all over again.  I've woken after reliving in my mind the worst parts of the last days with her that I don't care to recall.  The dream I had early this morning was completely different. 

It was Christmas and I was sitting with Mom and she was not sick.  She had brown hair and was just like she always was...just Mom.  We were visiting and talking about family.  She asked what Uncle Danny was doing and I told her they were all opening presents.  I turned around to look at Charlie opening a present and he was smiling because he had gotten this huge ...just unreasonably huge geode rock and he loved it. The guy cousins were playing with a bunch of dogs outside around a fire pit and the kids were out there playing too.   Uncle Daryl was roasting wieners over the firepit.   The girl cousins were sitting by the fireplace and handing out presents to some of the younger kids and just generally chatting.  Aunt Debbie and Nanaw were at the stove dishing up food and there was just holiday happiness in the air.  

Angie, Brenna and I were sitting by Mom and visiting.  And the only person I never saw in the dream was Grandfather, but he was there. 

I was looking around the room and when I turned back to Mom, she was sick, and it was the end.  She touched my cheek and said,  "you took such good good good care of me.  I don't want you to feel guilty for enjoying your holidays.  I want you to still love the holidays."    

I hugged her and the tumor under her arm, that had become the thing she hated most about her cancer was gone.  She was warm and it was such a nice, strong hug.  She asked me to get her something from the other room, so I got up to get it for her.  When I got back she was gone.

It was the first dream I have had that she wasn't sick.  And the first one where she's talked to me. 

I wasn't asleep much longer.  Max's nurse started making his food and the sound of the blender woke me up.  I know so much of dreams are our subconscious working through things while we sleep...but there is a deeper part of me that knows she came to tell me it's okay.  She's okay.  And I will be okay.