2016...

Well, we did it.  We made it through the holidays, our first without mom.  I'm sure everyone who misses her missed her just a little more through these past couple of months.  She loved the holidays. Things were quiet here, and I shed many tears.  I miss her so much.  Some days it's still so unbelievable and so unbearable to know she's never coming back.  She was just here, and with us for the holidays.

I didn't put my tree all the way up this year.  I couldn't handle seeing the ornaments.  I didn't make special foods.  I didn't watch movies that would trigger tears.  I guess it was the way to get through it this year.  I had to remind myself a lot to just feel the feelings.  And it was okay to be sad that she wasn't with us.

This week I attended the funeral of one of our special needs friends.  She was only 8 years old and gone far too soon.  It was something I knew I wanted to attend, but really didn't know how the grief meter would react.  I was with my dear supermom friends and felt the love from them all as we cried together.  But, some of the tears shed were for just the feeling of loss.

I'm looking forward to a new year.  I cried as the new year rang in because every year momma was the first person who called every time.  "Haaaaap-py New Year!" She would always say.  I texted my family and friends.  And went to bed and cried some more.  Saying goodbye to 2015 sort of felt like saying goodbye to the year of mom.  Her last year.

2016 will be filled with new adventures.  And making new memories.  And I hope a year of happiness and moving through this whole loss mess with a little grace and finding myself right side up in the end.

Haaaaaaaap-py New Year.