Mind dump...

Today was the last day of the holiday break.  The kids don't start back to school tomorrow, but therapies start back up and business starts back up.  It's been nice to have a break to just be still.  Sure it's boring at times, but I feel like all we've done since summer is go go go go go go go.

I was able to do a big cull of clothes today. I try to do this once a year and got rid of a lot this time around.  There was nothing sentimental, which made it easier to do.  The only thing that was somewhat sentimental was a shirt I wore to mom's memorial.  I haven't worn it again and won't wear it again.  So off it went.

It always feels good to get rid of things, clear things out.  Mom was a notorious packrat, and something I've always tried to keep myself from being.  I'm working on finding a special place for the things of hers I've kept.  The guest room has a few of her things.  And I want to make that a comforting place.

I'm trying to write every day to get things out of my head so I'm not up all night thinking and worrying.  So for those of you who do still read this thing, get ready for a lot of mind dumps.  I'm trying to get it all out so I don't keep it all in.

The past few nights I've dreamt of mom.  They haven't been pleasant dreams.  She's been dying and I've been trying to get to her to say goodbye.  Last night it woke me up and I couldn't sleep for a chunk of the night upset about it.  I suppose that's still part of it.  The mind playing tricks on me in my sleep.  I'm hoping tonight it's just quiet sleep without the upset.

Mom's quilts...

I found mom's quilts today.  Well, actually they aren't her quilts and Steve found them.  I always called them mom's quilts and he always knew which ones I was talking about.  She loved them. Every time she would come to visit I would have the bed made with these quilts laid out for her.  I had put them away at some point in the past year and just didn't know where they were, until they were found today clearing out the storage in the garage.

He opened the box and I gasped.  Mom's quilts!

It's these little things that every day remind me of her.  It's not just one thing either.  It's every day all day - little things.  Some days it makes me smile, some days cry.  Sometimes both.

I've been able to say her name more out loud in the past few weeks.  I said to Steve this evening, I'm so glad we found mom's quilts.  I didn't get a lump in my throat when I said it.  I didn't break down in sobs.  I just meant it and said it out loud.  And I don't know what sort of step that is, but it seems like some kind of step in the process.

2016...

Well, we did it.  We made it through the holidays, our first without mom.  I'm sure everyone who misses her missed her just a little more through these past couple of months.  She loved the holidays. Things were quiet here, and I shed many tears.  I miss her so much.  Some days it's still so unbelievable and so unbearable to know she's never coming back.  She was just here, and with us for the holidays.

I didn't put my tree all the way up this year.  I couldn't handle seeing the ornaments.  I didn't make special foods.  I didn't watch movies that would trigger tears.  I guess it was the way to get through it this year.  I had to remind myself a lot to just feel the feelings.  And it was okay to be sad that she wasn't with us.

This week I attended the funeral of one of our special needs friends.  She was only 8 years old and gone far too soon.  It was something I knew I wanted to attend, but really didn't know how the grief meter would react.  I was with my dear supermom friends and felt the love from them all as we cried together.  But, some of the tears shed were for just the feeling of loss.

I'm looking forward to a new year.  I cried as the new year rang in because every year momma was the first person who called every time.  "Haaaaap-py New Year!" She would always say.  I texted my family and friends.  And went to bed and cried some more.  Saying goodbye to 2015 sort of felt like saying goodbye to the year of mom.  Her last year.

2016 will be filled with new adventures.  And making new memories.  And I hope a year of happiness and moving through this whole loss mess with a little grace and finding myself right side up in the end.

Haaaaaaaap-py New Year.

She was good...

One of the things I was sure to miss most about leaving Max's elementary school was the holiday baskets they make for families in need each year.

This year, I was happy to be notified about it through families who are still there, and tonight went shopping for the basket supplies.  I had to take Steve to the airport once Max's nurse got here, so it was late by the time I got to the store, but that just meant I had the place to myself along with the workers.

It's maybe better that way, because they didn't seem to see or mind the tears that kept forming as I shopped.  The things I bought this year were all of mom's favorites, I thought she would like that.  She is the one who taught me to give to others.  She gave, sometimes to a fault, at the holidays.

In second grade, she arranged for my classroom Christmas tree to go to a family who couldn't afford a tree.  She would clear our pantry to take to food banks. She took us caroling at the nursing home.  She would grab an angel or two from the angel tree and we would shop for them. She would drop a toy in the toys for tots basket at the store. Her spare change went to the man ringing the bell. She would give to organizations that were important to her.

My mom was never rich, and died with very little.  There were times we had to use the same services she would give to.  But she worked hard, and taught us that if you have more than you need - give to others, because you may need it again some day and it will come back to you.

I was thinking today about how much she taught me in life.  And now that she's gone and I reflect on it, I wish I could let her know how much I learned from her.  And for being such a good mom and such a good person.

Still learning through the pain...

Tuesday morning I woke up too early because Max's nurse's head was in one of her cluster migraines. She power through for the most part, but when he stays up all night trying to party she just can work her full shift.

So I got up and started making his food. The smell of any food in the morning is nauseating to me. Let alone the blending of fruit, milk and meat. As the blenders were at full speed, I started to get a headache that was dull, but starting to feel worse My stomach started cramping and I thought, well....okay, I guess I could be sick with a stomach bug. Then the dry heaves started. By the time I finished with all those three symptoms, I was doubled over in pain on the floor crying and screaming for help.

I got my phone and texted Steve to see if he had wifi on his laptop on the airplane he was on somewhere in California. Once he answered, we were able to coordinate Abbey getting home quickly from school and my friend Susan taking me to the ER.

Once we got to the hospital, my sister, Ang met us there and Steve had landed and was on the next turn around flight to get home to me too. After ultrsounds, IV medicines and a CT scan, they pointed out I had a kidney stone, a 5mm kidney stone.

I went home cozy and dopy from all the medicine and slept pretty hard until about 3:00am...when I woke up again with incredible pain. I got Steve up to go back to hospital. This time the nausea wasn't playing around and I emptied everything I'd eaten for a week as soon as we got in there.

Again they gave me pain meds and watched me for a few hours and sent me home on more oral meds.

Today, the pain medicine just barely stayed ahead of it. Never controlled it, and by 6:00pm with every heavy duty drug they had prescribed inside my innards I couldn't take it anymore and went back to the hospital.

Seems that 3rd time is a charm. I had to go back up to hospital this evening because the pain was just unbearable. They triaged me to determine if I was just a junky looking for more drugs since I'd been in so many times in 36 hours, but figured the load moaning, groaning and wining in the lobby was worth it enough to take me to a room. They got the IV started and went down the lines of all the did the past two times.

I got hooked up to the monitors and was having a hard time catching my breath because the pain was so sharp. The Dude-bro nurse who was pumped up on far too many power drinks told me if it starts beeping to just breathe deeper. I was breathing as much as I could and it started going off. He stuck his head in the door and said, you're not breathing, breathe deeper, take a big deep breath. I started to tell him it hurts to take big deep breaths and he was still out the door. That's when I got loud and said "Are you even listening to me? I said it hurts to breathe deeply"...he popped his head back in and started talking on top of me and said See, breathe, just take a deeper breath, there you did it and now the alarm is off." I was pretty well fit to be tied at this point.

The thoughts going through my exhausted, in pain head were everything from I'm going to throw something at him, to why did he have to be so rude? He has no idea what is going on in my life. I went with the second that and realized I don't know what is going on in his life that he has to yell at a patient he just met with severe abdominal pain and shortness of breath. And then I called his supervisor who promptly took him off my case. Schmuck...i don't play around .....ESPECIALLY on a ton of drugs.

I was so worked up they had to give me more medicine to bring my heart rate down and I wouldn't throw up from the crying. Once I started to calm, naturally I had to go to the bathroom, whereby I caught a hand full of wee that's supposed to fit inside a little cup...and Kenneth, the kidney stone.

The pain continues to subside, I have an appetite for the first time in three days, and rude nurse lives to see another day. Although, I may be trying out a different hospital next time something like this comes up.

The pain is almost gone, but I think I'll be sleeping very hard tonight. And then jump right back in to the work with Santa's Little hackers! It is getting so near!!!

These past couple days have certainly made me think of mom a lot. She lived so much of her life with kidney stones. I've counted myself so fortunate to not have had them. How did she get up out of her bed and function working 3 jobs at a time with something that put me out flat? No other explanation than she was from another world. And I still learn lessons from her in every part of my life - the good, bad and painful.

Old and New Memories...

When Mom was in the hospice center for the first time, she started to show signs of the cancer moving to her brain.  Perhaps in was the disease progressing, or all the medicine she was on.  I think it was the disease progression because she would have moments of lucidity, and moments of absolute confusion.  On the days of confusion, I would sit at her bedside and hold her hand until my sister came to trade off with me.

She had me help her order her meal one of those days she was there and feeling more with it.  She wanted roast beef, mashed potatoes, green beans, and cobbler. By that point she had lost the use of her right arm and hand to feed herself.  She would try with her left, but would get frustrated and tired so she finally let me help her by bringing the fork to her mouth so she could eat.

The weather was hot, but she wanted the window open to hear the birds sing.  It was just some obnoxious magpie squawking.  I had to look out the window and that huge squawking bird so she didn't see my tears fall as I let her chew her food.  The doctor had talked with us earlier that day, giving the timeline of a few weeks left.  She wanted me to eat with her.  I really, really did not want to eat that glumpy roast beef with mashed potatoes and thick brown sludgy gravy.  But she took her right hand, put a bite of food on it and put it up to my mouth with all her concentration and effort, like she was feeding her baby.  And I took a bite, and agreed with her it was really good, even though it was probably the worst I had ever eaten.

We always shared a love for good food together.  We had our favorites, and they often were the same things.  That bite of food with her will always be one of the most special meals we ever shared together.  From that point on, I made an effort to share every meal with her until she stopped eating. Her last meal was pasta and a side of cottage cheese.  She stopped eating after that meal, and a couple of days later stopped asking for drinks of anything.

As the holidays come, I've tried to avoid the things that remind me of meals with her.  I don't want to make her favorite things yet.  I don't feel ready to enjoy those things without her yet.  So, we're making other plans for Thanksgiving than the usual big meal.  It was her favorite holiday, and her absence is going to be profoundly felt.

I wanted to get my Christmas tree out and put up this weekend.  I am usually one who is very adamant about Christmas starting the day after Thanksgiving.  This year, I am throwing all my preconceived ideas out and just hoping for some happiness.  Christmas lights make me happy, the lights make me happy, and I just want to be happy.....because I know this holiday season is going to be so difficult without her.

We pulled the tree out and went to plug it in yesterday.  I was excited to get a head start on the happiness.  Then, it didn't work.  I texted my sister, "I put the tree up and plugged it in.  It's dead." She understood what that meant and gave me the appropriate response of how miserable it was.

All the pretty lights, and cookies and pies and bows and presents will not be the same without her. I'm sitting wrapped up as I type this in a blanket she made for me a couple of Christmases ago, and one I gave her last Christmas.  They're all just things from the past now, everything going forward is a new memory without her.

I don't know how the holidays are going to end up being.  I'm sure there will be plenty of tears.  I am not the only one who sheds tears for her.  We all miss her so much.  I told my other sister the other day it feels like I'm walking around with a huge hole right through the middle of me.  Like a huge hunk is missing.

I am trying to busy myself with things that make myself and others happy, and do things with her in mind too.  I let myself feel the tears as they come too.  Because I can't ignore that she's gone, or pretend it's all okay, all the time.  And this holiday season, I just hope some of the new memories will be ones that help fill in the massive space she's left behind.

I. Just. Miss. Her.

It's like I'm always forgetting she's gone.  I stop to call or text or email too many times a day.

I have to tell someone who doesn't know, "My mom passed away in August."...and it sounds so unreal.

The void is real.

I. Just. Miss. Her.

and that is all.