Seizures...

I don't know that there will ever be a time that I get used to seeing Max have a seizure. Even in those early days, when we were in the PICU for months at a time, when he was having upwards of 250 seizures a day. Every single one shot an arrow through me. And I have never been able to shake the feeling of absolute helplessness.

I learned to hold the emotion of it inside. There is a business side of all of this. Without meaning to, I'm sure, they teach you to put the emotions aside and observe. You need to do this to be able to report to the doctor or specialist in case it gets out of control. His life depends upon us observing every little thing...we have to watch...we have to pay attention.

To watch his respiration...is he breathing? Yes...keep his neck elevated and on his side in case/when he vomits.

Document his movements...which way did his eyes go...which arm stiffened or went up in a salute...did his lips quiver or smack...tongue dart or flatten.

How many minutes does it last?

After five we need to get the emergency medicine...

Is he done? Is it over?

I don't know...what do you think?

I think he's okay...I've got his medicine here...there he is...there...he's smiling...

Max...are you back..are you okay?

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!"

And.....breathe...and hope for another very long break before that happens again.

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I'll be calling on Monday to get in for a weight check and dose increase. I could tell by looking at him sleep this evening that he would have one when he woke up. It was eerie really. We were watching tv and he was sleeping hard on his comfy little pallet. We don't ever move him once he's fallen asleep, so we let him stay where he is until he wakes up on his own time. Sometimes that's a few minutes, and sometimes that's a couple of hours. About an hour into his "evening nap", I looked over to check on him and his tone was strange. Not oxygen deprived, (no - I know that look too), not nauseous, or sick either. Just an extremely tired color...hard to explain...I guess I could just call it his seizure coloring.

When the show ended, Olive got up from her perch of my chair. She shook and woke Max with the noise of her tags clanging. Stinking loud Olive. ;)

That's when it started, and ended almost 5 minutes later.

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I'm in bed with him now.

He's well past the seizure. We've got him all cleaned up and his comfy pallet in the washer on HOT. Steve just came in to tell him goodnight, and told him "tell mommy you love her, and go to sleep.". He told Daddy "I love Dad-Dad."...fair enough.

He's holding his monster's hand now, and dozing off. I just might spend the night in here by him...at least the first little while. Just to make sure he gets back into sleep.

And make sure I get to sleep...just for the first little while.